I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
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You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize