This is not my ceiling
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
