I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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