Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
