Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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