There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
