when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
