He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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