I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Randomize
