god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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