you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
