I just threw up on my dentist
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
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P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
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Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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