I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
