You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
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We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
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My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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