At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
