please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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