I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
