Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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