also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
