I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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