hell yes lets make some ravioli
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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