you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
