i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
