rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
