We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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