I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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