The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
