I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Drunk is a universal language darling
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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