I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
