So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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