Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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