I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
the liver wants what the liver wants
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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