the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
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It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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