guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
