remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
