Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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