I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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