I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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