I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
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He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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