How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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