I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
