i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
