I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
