you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
