apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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