I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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