Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
