i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
