Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
