i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
