How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
In America we eat man semen.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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