So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
