Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
