That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
